Dying

So I’ve had insomnia for awhile now. I don’t know for certain, as I’ve really lost track of the days. Last night, I finally slept the whole night, and dear god, I hope that signals the end of it.

I don’t know what’s been more frustrating for me — that I lay awake in the darkness staring at the ceiling or the wall, listening to the cats do their nightly activities, or that during the day I can feel my mental abilities and my memory slipping more and more with each passing day. If those wildly inaccurate free IQ tests on the web are to be believed, I’ve dropped about 30 points over the course of this, and I’m forgetting to do things that are supposed to be routine. Two days in a row now, I’ve left my work security badge at home, and I’ve forgotten to make coffee as well. The latter impacts Kate, and this morning it spilled over — no pun intended — and impacted me as well: she was obviously annoyed, and I being at the frayed end of my mental rope did not react well to this. I muttered some inadvisable things under my breath, and went upstairs to shave. Looking back at it, I’m surprised I remembered that I had to do that.

I suppose the upside to all of this is that my immune system still seems to be working. I’ve had a touch of a cold a few times, where it’s lasted about 8 hours, and by the next day, I’m fine. So at least there’s that. My only concern is this pushing me over the edge into depression — I get a little down in the winter months, there’s a lot of changes going on in life right now, and it’s a little overwhelming at times. The lack of sleep could make that really bad.

So yeah, hopefully after last night this is behind me.