So at this point, I’ve written about the battle plan to get into better shape and start racing again. I’m also tackling the mental/emotional side of the equation. In addition to the marriage counselor Kate and I have been going to, I’ve also started going to therapy on my own time. There are a couple of reasons for this, some of which will be apparent to my friends and family, others that won’t.
If you don’t have moments in your life that make you cringe, you’re not growing as a person.
For various reasons, I’ve been resistant to the diagnosis of ADD for a long time. But when I step back from myself and really watch the things I do with a detached view, it’s pretty clear to me that I suffer from this particular malady. I know I’m not qualified to make that diagnosis, so I am going to be tested for it. I know what my lack of focus has done to my life thus far, and it isn’t pretty. After fifteen years in my career, with an IQ like mine, I should be a lot further along than I am now. And I’m sick of it. I’m sick of looking around at my life and wondering “what if” over and over again — it’s time to lock down the issues with my brain and fix them, so that I can move forward and kick ass.
For reasons I won’t go into here, I tend to avoid confrontation — in my personal relationships. I keep the peace. I don’t speak up or stand up for myself. And that causes all manner of problems. That’s being addressed, as well.
It’s tough having to create a measureable goal for this. How can you tell if you’re growing in a mental and emotional capacity? There’s clearly no doorframe to stand against, pencil in hand.
Once upon a time, I read something that said something like “if you don’t have moments in your life that make you cringe, you’re not growing as a person.” That seems like a good marker. I already have so many cringeworthy moments that I can recall from all the phases of my life, indicative of some growth in the last two years (which I think people will agree has happened). So I want more of them. I want to know the things I did that were stupid, that I’ve been unaware of due to my stupid issues, because when I can see them for what they were, I’ll know that I’ve moved past the causes and grown as a person.