1. Because you totally played football in high school and you’re still, like, totally in-shape and stuff. Never mind that beer gut, never mind that you get winded walking up a couple flights of stairs — you could totally go out and play with the high school kids now. Even if you’re too out-of-shape to play with your own kids. The cardiovascular exercise you get on a bike is totally unnecessary, right?
2. Because, hell, gas is only $4 a gallon, and filling up your ginormous more-than-you-really-need SUV is only costing you $80 a week. Between your car payment and the amount you shell out for gas and insurance, a single month of car expenses would buy you a pretty fucking awesome commuter bike. And even if you only rode half the time, you’d save $160 a month in gas alone. But hey, it’s better to piss away a ton of money instead of riding a bike.
3. Even though you’ll get there in the same amount of time, it’s more productive to sit in traffic at a dead standstill, grinding your teeth, and feeling your blood pressure rise. So not only are you stressed, but you’re sedentary, which will kill you. Good job! Once you’re dead, you don’t need to worry about getting in-shape to play with your kids.
4. Because all those little Middle Eastern countries that our government pumps money into keeping in-line need your hard-earned cash more than you do. You should never stop driving your car — what will all those rich oil barons do without their money? Will they have to go without their gold-plated Bugatti Veyrons? Won’t you please think of the oil barons?
5. Because you’d rather be a sad bastard Eeyore whiner than ride a bike. God, why would you put any effort into doing something like riding to work when you can pay the co-pay for antidepressants, which are less effective than a regular exercise program, and perform just as well as a placebo?
BONUS REASON 6. My god, what will the neighbors think? Because the opinions of others are what you use to establish your self-esteem, you should never ever ride a bike to work. People might think you’re weird.